2008 - The tracks

It's that time o year again, when everyone tries to tell you what the best songs from this past year were, usually with varying results. Make no mistake, I haven't heard everything that has been put out this year, but I've listened to enough to add my worthless opinion to the countless others. So here they are, my fifteen favorite songs of 2008 (with video goodness!)

15. Chairlift - Bruises

Also known as that iPod song.

14. Q-Tip - Gettin' Up

Because everyone needs more old school hip-hop in their life.

13. Beck - Chemtrails

The beginning of this track is just haunting.

12. Fuck Buttons - Sweet Love for Planet Earth

In the almost ten minutes that this song lasts, you still don't have enough time to fully get your head around it.

11. Deerhunter - Nothing Ever Happened

A repetitive chorus never sounded so indie.

10. Vampire Weekend - Walcott

Come for the piano. Stay for the New Jersey line.

9. Nas - Hero

It's a sad state of affairs when your first single is the best track on the album, but Hero just bangs.

8. Hercules and Love Affair - Blind

Disco lives! Pitchfork's song of the year fills our James Murphy need for the year nicely.

7. One Day as a Lion - One Day as a Lion

File this under albums I never thought would see the light of day. It's like Rage, but in lo-fi goodness.

6. Portishead - Machine Gun

They used to do trip hop you say? The return of Portishead is a cerebral mind fuck.

5. Wolf Parade - California Dreamer

The hook, it stays with you.

4. MGMT - Time to Pretend

The catchiest tune on an album of catchy tunes. I think everyone liked this one.

3. M83 - Kim & Jessie

1980 lives!!! This would feel right at home in your 80's teen movie of choice. Mine would be Gremlins.

2. Nine Inch Nails - 1,000,000

Man crush aside, Trent's still got it. This murders live.

1. The Roots - Rising Down/Rising Up

From the head nodding opening notes (and the best Mos Def guest spot in some time), Rising Down is how you open an album. It opens the dark journey of the Root's latest album, culminating in the upbeat Rising Up, bringing the band full circle in the course of one album. This is that real hip hop.

The next coming out party

This has been an interesting time for civil rights and our perceptions of the people still fighting for them. We’ve seen a (half) black man elected President of the United States but we’ve also seen a major civil rights setback in, of all places, California, one of the most liberal places in the union. So what gives? How are some groups overcoming large hurdles while others are struggling to clear even small ones? How is it that when one group makes significant gains, another just takes it’s spot in line, asking for the same things that we’ve just given to others? Where does this cycle end (before we get down to Furries, I hope)? And why am I asking so many damn questions?

Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat: just because Obama has been elected President, the problems of blacks are far from over. Racism will not just up and disappear, poverty and crime in our nation’s poorer minority areas will still be rampant. But that’s not to say that this isn’t a significant victory, not just for blacks, but for everyone who has ever been held down because of outdated prejudices, because it is. What we see here is the embodiment of the American dream, yes you can come from any background and aspire to be what you want, as long as you put in the work and have a good head upon your shoulders. In Obama, we see people looking past skin color and seeing just a man, a man that we hope can turn things in this country around for the better. So why is it, that in the same year we have this historical and monumental event in which we look beyond a man’s race, can we not look past something else that is a substantial cause for division: one’s sexuality.

It came as a shock to many that one of the most nationally talked about ballot measures, California’s Proposition Eight to ban gay marriage, had passed. I mean, this was California, the state that has made medical marijuana readily available, the home of Hollywood and the porn industry! What the fuck were they thinking? It seems to me, that as willing as we are to except some new change in regards to treating others equally, there are still a few groups we, as a mass, somehow deem unworthy of equal rights. Right now, in the middle of our crosshairs, are gays. Gays are now fighting the same bigotry that other groups (women, racial minorities) have fought successfully in the past. No, they don’t have to use different drinking fountains and their sexual preference does not inhibit their right to vote, but they are the new targets of nonsensical legislation aimed at denying them the same rights that straight people have. Of course, we are talking about the interpretive definition of one word. Marriage.

The argument is tired at this point; if gays are allowed to marry, then dogs and cats will live in harmony, men will start marrying their toasters, and the whole fabric of the space/time continuum will break apart and we will be sucked into another dimension where we will all be forced to do slave labor for Jabba the Hutt while listening to Nickelback. While this makes no sense whatsoever to any reasonable minded person, I am almost happy that this is the problem that many gays are now facing. The fact that the passing of Prop 8 has become such a cultural hot button issue, attest to the fact that gays have become a much more noticeable and voiced segment of our population, which is only a good thing. While coming out is still a huge step in any gay’s life, one that is still subject to ridicule and scorn from peers and family members alike, the fact that they are able to lobby, this intensely, for equal rights in the realm of marriage is a huge step forward and one that brings along with it, a sense of hope. Yes, people may not be comfortable enough with you getting married to someone of the same sex, but they seem to be getting more comfortable about the fact that you are gay in general.

So if, in fact, gays have started to move on to larger battles, who is next in line? What group of people has a “personality quirk,” which despite not being of any real damage to society, finds it hard to divulge such information to the general public in fear of ridicule and shunning by their peers? The answer: atheists. The “A-word” is still very taboo, especially here in the United States. A disturbingly large number of people equate a lack of belief in a higher power with a general lack of morals, regularly using non-believers as scapegoats for society’s ills (“If he had just been a good church going boy, this never would have happened!). You see it everywhere you look, in churches, on TV, “boycotts” of films with atheist themes (boycotts only in parenthesis because they’re never really successful). Having all these things thrown at you at once, and you can be put in a very precarious position, and that’s just from people you don’t know. The real damage, like it is with homosexuals, comes from the people close to you.

One of the striking similarities I find between gays and atheists, is that other people (usually religious), tend to look at a person’s admission of either as a failure of the parents. If they had just worked harder, done something different, little Johnny wouldn’t have turned into a heathen (just imagine if he was gay as well! They just might call a priest over right then and there to perform some sort of emergency cleansing!). Now, your parents may not mind the ridicule, and if they are well reasoned people, they shouldn’t. But it is unfair to us, for others around us to have to suffer such ridicule for a something that they had no control over. Let into us all you want (in a perverse way, I’d actually enjoy it), but holding our loved ones responsible for what you deem our moral failures is downright reprehensible. It’s bad enough that we have to worry about what our parents will think when we tell them the news, the last thing we need is for some self-righteous douchebag to kick them if they’re down.

Some will make the argument that I really cannot compare the coming out processes of gays and atheists, as one is come upon by research while the other does not occur by choice. And yes, while that may be true, us atheists are not born believing what we do (nor, for the record is anyone else), when you hold a position that goes against “proper society,” you begin to sympathize with others who have had, and eventually had the strength to overcome, such plights. And if that view (or trait) des not hold any real threat to society, then the sense of hatred hat society feels towards these individuals is not only unwarranted, but it is unnecessary. As we become a more tolerant society, just like we have many times in the past, we will learn to accept not only atheism as a normal and (dare I say) healthy viewpoint, but whatever comes up next will become accepted as well. There are no atheists in the foxholes, we’re not out to corrupt society, we just want to be able to be open about our beliefs without having to deal with constant ridicule and demeaning. And if we can convert some of you in the process, well that would just be icing on the cake.

How McCain lost

It wasn’t just the economy, stupid.

It’s been a week since a Senator from Illinois made history by becoming the first African American President elect in our nation’s history. In that time there has been much celebrating, his first briefings and the looming task of choosing a staff to help guide our next four years. But what of the other guy, you know, the loser (or first runner up for all you “everybody’s a winner” types). There has been much finger pointing in both the McCain camp and the media. So what really went wrong? Many people blame the economy. While that is certainly a large part of it, it’s not nearly the only reason. As I see it, there were a series of missteps that, even if the stock market hadn’t crashed, would have been tough for McCain to overcome.

You’re doing it wrong (er, backwards)
There are two camps you need to energize in order to win an election: your base and the “independents.” After securing his party’s nomination, while Obama and Clinton were still battling it out, McCain did the unthinkable; he went after the independents. Instead of dragging the Dems through the mud, he tried to play off his reformer image. Then, after Gov. Palin burst onto the scene, that’s when they energized their base. Only problem was, they did the whole thing backwards. Voters have short memories (Hillary supporters for McCain anyone?) and the people the Republicans needed to win the election weren’t being catered to with talk of “crossing the aisle.” Instead, what they were hearing were Palin’s remarks about the “real America” and how she was going to eat the babies of all non-Christians. Not the best way to get undecideds on your side. Speaking of Palin…

Sarah Palin: redneck rock star!
When your VP candidate overshadows almost your every move, getting most of the attention, you’re not only doing it wrong, but someone should take away your privileges of ever doing it again. The VP pick should complement your weaknesses and play a strong, but largely invisible role behind the scenes, drumming up support for you, not themselves. McCain at times was playing second fiddle to Palin, not good.

His dick fingers
Those air quotes that he was using for about a week? The ones that infamously dismissed the “health” of “women?” They helped him “lose” the women “vote.”

Control, you must learn control!
One gets the feeling that somewhere along the way, McCain didn’t seem to agree with how his campaign was managing his image. Whether is was not wanting to bring up Ayers but then doing so anyway, or letting Sarah speak out of turn, if McCain didn’t like how things were being handled, he should have fired them. After all Senator, they worked for YOU. If you can’t manage your campaign, how will you manage a country?

It’s all about the message
Consistency is key. All throughout his campaign (both in the primaries and general), Obama stuck with one mantra: Change. His message stayed constant and by doing so people were easily able to identify what (if not wholly) he wanted to bring to the table. McCain, did not learn from Hilary’s mistake of changing her message whenever there was a change in the polls. One week he was a reformer, the next he was calling Obama a socialist. If something didn’t stick, he went on to the next thing, ad nauseum Keep chning your mind and people get confused.

The great divide
The GOP has basically fractured into two parties: the super social conservative bible thumping values voters and the fiscally minded folks that enjoyed presidents such as Ronald Reagan and Robot Nixon. As always, the nut jobs are louder and as a result demand more of your time. The true conservatives got fed up and some of them jumped ship. Where they’ll land, who knows, keep an eye on what happens to the GOP in the next few years, it should be interesting to see which direction they take.

Mr. 24%
This is perhaps the one obstacle that no Republican could overcome, President Bush. When the incumbent President’s approval rating has been hovering in the mid to low twenties, you can promise unicorns and pots of gold to everyone and still lose. The Dems could have run just about anyone this year and probably have won (though most likely a much smaller margin than what Obama won by).

The monies
And yes, it was also the economy. Calling the fundamentals of our economy strong the day before one of the biggest collapses in the history of our financial sector is not the best way t win over those fiscal conservatives. Just sayin’.

And finally,

He just wasn’t that great of a candidate.
Sorry.

Thanks, Republicans!

I would like to thank the Republican Party. No, really, I do. Because after last night’s three-ring circus they passed off as a convention, I did something I’ve never done before: donate to a politician. I was so sickened by what I heard, I felt obligated to donate to Mr. Barack Obama’s presidential campaign. Between the booing of community organizers, to the constant reminder of tired talking points (did you know McCain was a POW?), I just couldn’t take it anymore. And the worst part was the crowd was eating it up.

While the Republicans are screaming “Libs!,” Obama is looking to unite the country. When he tells the media to back off of Palin’s personal life, she returns the favor by ripping into him at her acceptance speech. Expected, yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s classy. And before you call me out on it, yes, this is politics in this country. Dog-eat-dog politics. Divisive politics-which is where the problem lies. This country is never going to get back on track with these kinds of tactics. We need to work together, not against each other. It is possible to disagree on issues without reverting to childish name calling and schoolyard bully tactics. We’ve had eight years of that and it hasn’t exactly done us much good. The word “education” has turned into a four letter one. People are labeled by, and respond to, media created stereotypes--Southern racist rednecks, Northern latte sipping liberals—regardless of if they are true or not. How can we grow as a nation if the people we put in charge to lead and guide us get off on tearing us apart? This partisan bullshit has to end and it has to end now.

I don’t know how much more of this has to occur before the majority wakes up and sees how self-defeating this rhetoric really is. Sadly, I don’t know that, as a whole, we are ready yet. But I hope we are. And I know I’m not alone in that hope, which is I will be proudly casting my vote for Barack Obama on November 4th. So congratulations Republicans, you were able to move me, even though it was not in the way you had hoped. I just hope that the rest of America sees through their shit as well and is ready to get back on track.

Albums I like: pt. 2

Sorry for the delay, I've had actual paying work that took precedent over this silly little list. I'm going to try and get the remaining segments up on a weekly basis, but no promises, especially with the holiday this weekend. Anyway, enough with the excuses and on to the list.


80. Beck – Odelay
If you’re Beck, how do you follow up the unexpected smashing success that was Loser? Odealy was a great way to do it. It took all the elements of Mellow Gold and tightened them up, producing the album that he is now most known for. Beck has veered in many directions since, but all of his later musical mood swings can be traced, at least in part, back here.


79. Nas – Illmatic
Nas’ first album is a classic, showcasing everything that defined the East Coast hip hop scene at the time. Along with artists like Jay-Z, The Wu-Tang Clan, and Mobb Deep, Illmatic helped propel the East Coast back into the forefront of the national consciousness. Nas was on top of his game here, but like anyone who starts out so strong, he has had a hard time living up to the undeniable timelessness of Illmatic.


78. Lostprophets – Start Something
I almost want to say that I was young and didn’t know any better, but damn was I hooked on this album. For a very long time. The Welsh boys never really achieved success over here in the states but they got me hooked. Lostprophets made easily digestible, catchy rock music and Start Something really got to me. It’s not the type of album I’d consistently listen to now, but as a teenager who was still discovering where he wanted to sit in the musical theatre, there was nothing better.


77. Kanye West – The College Dropout
Kanye West—great producer, decent emcee. On his debut album, he makes up for his weakness by surrounding himself with much more proficient rappers. The result is nothing short of magical. While he has let his ego get on the way of his newer material, The College Dropout is pure unadulterated great hip hop.


76. Spoon – Gagagagaga
Spoon’s most complete album to date happens to be their latest. Easily digestible and wholly enjoyable. This is what pop music should sound like.


75. Thom Yorke – The Eraser
I’m beginning to think Mr. Yorke can do no wrong. While Radiohead was heading back towards guitars, Thom hadn’t gotten the electronica out of his system. While not as focused as Kid A (though I hate to compare solo work to that of his actual band, but it’s easy), it is miles ahead of Amnesiac. In fact, this could almost be the eighth Radiohead album, if not for the absence of Jonny Greenwood’s guitar, but it stands up well on it’s own, if it doesn’t add another layer of mystery to the enigmatic singer’s persona.


74. Nirvana – Nevermind
While this may be their most popular album, the one that cemented their place as one of the few bands that were able to change the face of rock forever, it is not their best. Not to say that this is a bad album, far from it. Every song on it has become a classic in its own right. This is the album that started the revolution (along with a sea of imitators) and for that, it will always be remembered.


73. The Coup – Pick a Bigger Weapon
Getting political in music works best when it’s basically all you do (see Rage Against the Machine). Couple that with a charismatic smooth flowing emcee and production that fits the mood of the songs perfectly, and you get a sense of why the Coup work so well. Boots Riley is pissed, sure, but he isn’t content in just letting you know about it, he wants you to feel it right along with him. And by the end of this record, you begin to do just that.


72. System of a Down – System of a Down
Serj and co. were one of the best things to come out of the whole alternative metal scene of the late 90’s. Political message aside, their unique sound was what kept them relevant for so long. This was the record that started it all, much rawer than their later efforts, but just as intelligent and moving.


71. DangerDoom – The Mouse and the Mask
An album based on a series of cartoons can’t be good, can it? Well, when the cartoons in question are the best of the Adult Swim lineup and the artists paying homage are Danger Mouse and MF Doom, then yes, yes it can. Doom’s at his tightest since Madvillainy, and DM’s beats are as eclectic as always. Add in some killer guest spots by Ghostface and Kweli and some show stealing skits, you have one of the best (if not nerdiest) hip hop albums of the past few years.


70. Sonic Youth – Rather Ripped
Ironically, this was the album that got me into Sonic Youth, not their earlier material. This actually turned out to work in my favor, as the albums accessibility made the transition into their earlier, more experimental works much easier. Pink Steam remains one of my favorite Sonic Youth songs to this day.


69. System of a Down – Toxicity
System took everything they did right on their first album and made it better. The result was a tighter, more cohesive album that catapulted them to superstar status.


68. Green Day – Dookie
Looking back at this, I don’t know whether to consider it juvenile or brilliant. Whichever it is, Green Day could very well be the band of my generation (take that for what you will). No other act that came out of that time has remained relevant for as long as they have and they’re continuing to reinvent themselves today. Whatever you think about them, they deserve some respect.


67. Incubus – S.C.I.E.N.C.E.
While Incubus ended up pulling a RHCP (discovering an inoffensive sound and running with it) on their later efforts, S.C.I.E.N.C.E. was by far their most interesting effort. Mistakenly labeled nu-metal based on first single “New Skin,” they also employed elements of funk and electronica in their music. Plus, Brandon Boyd could actually sing, unlike many of his “contemporaries” at the time. S.C.I.E.N.C.E. was their breakthrough effort, but unfortunately their best since they achieved mainstream status.


66. Sevendust – Home
I’ll chalk this one up to Lajon’s voice. The man has such a smooth, almost soulful voice, it gave them a real leg up on the other heavy bands of the late 90’s, early 00’s. The music here was rather simplistic (compared to some of their later work), but in conjunction with the vocal work, it became movable, memorable heavy music.


65. Marilyn Manson – Mechanical Animals
While Holy Wood is Manson’s most prolific effort, Mechanical Animals is his most fun. Remembered by most for the interesting, um, style that he chose to portray, the music here holds up fine on its own. Yes, it is more poppy than his previous work, going from crunching industrial/goth guitars for a more electronic sound, but it was all part of his master plan. He took some heat from long time fans for doing that, but in hindsight, in the context of the world that he was creating, it worked perfectly.


64. Aesop Rock – Labor Days
This is one of indie rap’s quintessential albums. From Aesop’s complex and frantic flow to his lyrics that, by his own admission, don’t always make sense, Labor Days is a modern day masterpiece. Blockhead provides the perfect soundtrack for Mr. Rock’s musings and the result is the album that really the New York Def Jux crew on the national map once and for all.


63. Foo Fighters – The Colour and the Shape
These days I find it hard to get excited about a new Foo Fighters record. At this point, you know exactly what you’re going to get. The Colour and the Shape had Dave Grohl and co. in top form and spawned one of the greatest rock radio songs of the 90’s in Everlong. It’s a shame that they’ve gotten so predictable.


62. The Chemical Brothers – Push the Button
When the Chemical Brothers are on, damn are they on. Other than Galvanize, Push the Button may not have had the defining singles that they had earlier in their career, but it is just such a consistent album that it makes up for it. As long as they keep putting out catchy, danceable music like this, people will listen.


61. Radiohead – Kid A
After the masterpiece that was OK Computer, most bands would try and recreate that magic for another go around in an attempt to strike while the iron is hot. But Radiohead are not most bands. Kid A was a complete 180 from OK Computer, and not at all what people were expecting. Out went the guitars and in came the keyboards. While their previous works were more anthemic, Kid A was a much more abstract and minimalistic affair. This radical change of style could very well have backfired, but Kid A remains one of Radiohead’s most critically acclaimed and universally loved albums in their catalogue.

All Points West Saturday Report

This past weekend was the inaugural All Points West festival in Jersey City, NJ. I braved the crowds and bathroom lines Saturday to see what it was all about.

Chromeo
The day started with this electro-pop duo from Canada. I didn’t see what the big deal about them is. Their first few songs basically involved them repeating their name over and over, in case you forgot who you were watching. Someone I was with said it was one of the greatest moments of her life. At least someone enjoyed it. My old, crappy digital camera also decided to bite it after their set, so that was the end of my good pics.

Metric
They seemed solid, though I am unfamiliar with their music so I couldn’t really get into it. The lead singer made some quip about turning into a hipster band. Whatever.

Animal Collective
This was a weird set. It started off and ended well, but the middle was a muddled mess. The peak came at the end with “Fireworks,” but by the time they built up their momentum, it was over, leaving us unfulfilled. Maybe I needed to be on drugs to fully enjoy it, as there was a guy around us who seemed to be enjoying it a bit too much.

The Roots
Just to start, I want to say how much of a travesty it was that they got put on the second stage and ended a mere 15 minutes before Radiohead. I’m sure there were more than a few people who sat through Kings of Leon instead of seeing the Roots just so they had good seats for Radiohead. That said, they missed a hell of a show. The last 35 minutes started with a 15 minute epic version of “You Got Me,” complete with tuba and (a killer) guitar solos. It didn’t let up from then until the end of the set. Set list, for all those who want to know what they missed out on, was as follows:

Rising Up
Mellow My Man
Criminal
Long Time
You Got Me (super extended OMG version)
The Seed 2.0
The Next Movement
75 Bars (we left a minute or so into this, so I’m not sure if there was anything else)

Radiohead
Well, what can I say, it’s friggin Radiohead. It wasn’t the most personal show I’ve ever been to (what can you expect with 20,000 people?), but it was extremely rewarding. The set as very In Rainbows heavy, but also included a nice variety of older material, including a nice amount from Kid A. Highlights included “The National Anthem,” “Fake Plastic Trees,” “Exit Music (For a film),” and “Weird Fishes.” The lights were exceptional as well and just added to and excellent performance.

Overall, APW was very hit and miss. The Roots ended up stealing the show, and between them and Radiohead, the ticket price was warranted. However, everything leading up to those two performances was a very mixed bag, and it seemed the same way for the Friday and Saturday shows. Next year, hopefully they get a few more A-list acts and stagger the set times a bit better.

Albums I like: pt. 1

So I had an epiphany one night recently as I was contemplating my upcoming 25th birthday and scouring my music collection for something to fit my mood. That’s when it hit me: I’ve listened to more than my fair share of music over this past quarter century, some of it great, a lot of it, not so much. Right then and there I decided to make a list of the albums that defined my musical taste up until this point. Not necessarily the greatest albums of all time, but the ones that shaped me at some point in my life. The idea grew from a handful of albums to the list of 100 that I will be posting here over the next few weeks, using a flawless, top secret scientific method to choose them. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed putting it together. Or, at the very least, I hope you’re able to discover something new.

100. Oasis – (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?
Oasis will probably be remembered for two things: Liam being a total dick and for basically being a Beatles cover band. The later is funny to me, as I think the Beatles are a bit overrated (that sound you hear is no one reading any further). But for some reason this worked. Despite the sometimes laughable lyrics (Slowly walking down the hall/faster than a cannon ball?), this is a great album. It’s the best record the Beatles never made.

99. Beck – The Information
Beck + Dust Brothers = Pure win. While this album goes on a bit too long and outstays its welcome, the first half of this album sees Beck at his best.

98. Stabbing Westward – Wither, Blister, Burn and Peel
Many consider Stabbing Westward Nine Inch Nails light. Sure they are more poppy and take less risks than Mr. Reznor’s act, but to call them a generic rip off would be selling them short. Sure, they may not be the most original act on the planet and their pseudo elctro-emo imagery isn’t the deepest, but this album is just too damn catchy to forget about. Between this and it’s follow up, Darkest Days, Stabbing Westward deserve to be remembered, not for what they couldn’t be, but for what they were, a good alternative/electronica act that was fine while we were all waiting for the next Nine Inch Nails record.

97. The Prodigy – Fat of the Land
Electronica’s time in the limelight was short lived, but the Prodigy put out one of the scene’s best records in Fat of the Land. It captured the best elements of the genre, driving guitars, intense hip-hop beats, and those at times nonsensical lyrics. It was an album made to be played on 11 and just lose yourself in. That, and it sparred on of the greatest videos of the 90’s, for “Smack my bitch up.”

96. David Bowie – The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars
Bowie is known as the great chameleon, but nothing stands out quite like this (with the possible exception of Station to Station). While this may not be his most challenging effort, it is one of his most consistent, and the one that introduced me to the genius that is David Bowie.

95. A Static Lullaby - …And Don’t Forget to Breathe
This is one of those albums that looking back on it, wasn’t as good as it was when I was really into it. Regardless, I was into this scene for much of my late teens, so to do it no justice would not reflect my past musical persona. I actually picked this up at a show of theirs, before they got signed to a label. For the genre it was pretty good, very raw and emotional. Then they got signed, it got overproduced, and they sounded like every other band at the time.

94. Death From Above 1979 – You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine
Normally, when one hears the term drum and bass, all one can think of is shitty club music. But with just a bass guitar and a drum set, this Canadian duo crafted one of the most original, danceable albums of the past few years. It’s just a shame they disbanded before we could see what else they had in store.

93. Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand
Franz Ferdinand might be too hooky for their own good. From the ultra memorable riff to “Take me out” to the singable choruses to just about every song on here, Franz showed that this new indie/dance rock revival could be a lot more fun than whatever the Strokes were doing.

92. The Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
While I’m still not a fan of Funeral, the Arcade Fire get it right here. Maybe it’s the subject matter, maybe it’s the beautifully layered music, but Neon Bible is the real deal. Here’s hoping they can keep it up.

91. The Used – The Used
Whatever you want to call their scene, the used were the kings of it, if only for a short while. Bert’s vocals were what attracted me to them in the first place, and while I may not listen to them as much any more, his voice still has a very pleasing aesthetic quality to it. After their second album failed to live up to this, I gave up on the boys from Utah, but as far as angsty teenage records go, the used holds a special place in my heart.

90. Nine Inch Nails – Pretty Hate Machine
Potential. That is the word that first comes to mind when you listen to Pretty Hate Machine. It’s a good pop-industrial record with some damn catchy tunes. But you know Trent is capable of much more, here he barely scratches the surface. Luckily this is just a taste of much greater things to come.

89. Brother Ali – The Undisputed Truth
It was hard to choose between this and Shadows on the Sun, but The Undisputed Truth ultimately won out because it’s a more focused effort. All of the same elements are here, the non-cocky braggadocio, the social commentary, just perfected. He’s still unsure, even when he’s on top of the world, but that just adds to his legend. Brother Ali is a master storyteller, and this entry really stands for his whole body of work, not just this album.

88. Marilyn Manson – Holy Wood (In the Shadow of the Valley of Death)
Before this record came out, Manson described it as his version of the White album. While it will never reach the mythic status that the Beatles achieved with it, Holy Wood is indeed an epic undertaking. Slated as the third part of his trilogy (Antichrist Superstar and Mechanical Animals being the first two), and his first album since the Columbine tragedy, Manson takes on all comers. It takes on issues such as our fascinations with fame and religion and shows his disdain for American pop culture, Hoy Wood is Manson at his smartest, at exactly the time when he needed to be.

87. Burial – Untrue
This is my first step into the world of dub step, and I can’t get enough of it. Minimalist yet highly emotional, Untrue grabs you from the beginning and never lets go. This is an album that you need to digest alone for maximum impact, but something that you feel the need to tell everyone you know about. I can’t wait for what else he has in store.

86. Sage Francis – Personal Journals
Sage cemented himself as one of the underground’s best wordsmith’s with this record. While it is a little uneven in places, most of his lines are pure genius. Sage straddles the line between slam poet and rapper beautifully.

85. The Roots – Things Fall Apart
Things Fall Apart is the sound of Black Thought et al. finding themselves. This, along with Phrenology, were their transitory records, from hip hop jam band to the tour de force that they are currently. Some of the best tracks here invoke some of hip hop’s heavy hitters (You Got Me, Ain’t Sayin’ Nuthin” New), but like good guests should, they never overpower the band, only complement them. In Things Fall Apart, we see the spark (no pun intended, really) that turned the Roots into one of the best hip hop acts of all time.

84. Metallica – St. Anger
St. Anger? Really? While their first few albums were indeed excellent (Kill ‘Em All through Master of Puppets), you knew what you were going to get. For the most part, one could take any song off of one of those albums, throw it on to one of the others and it wouldn’t feel out of place. St. Anger sounded nothing like Metallica had ever done before, and is unlikely to do again. Yes, it sounded as if Lars was banging on trash cans, but the dirty, gritty sound, not being Load or Reload, and the fact that it stirs up such a passionate response from fans (in either a positive or negative light), this deserves to be on here.

83. OneBeLo –S.O.N.O.G.R.A.M.
OneBeLo almost makes me forgive Michigan for unleashing Kid Rock upon the world. He’s one of the most gifted emcees on the scene today and it’s a crime that he isn’t more well known than he is. While his efforts tend to suffer from too much bulk, there are enough gems on S.O.N.O.G.R.A.M. to show how serious about his craft that he really is.

82. Boysetsfire – After the Eulogy
From the opening notes of After the Eulogy, you can just tell that this album is going to kick all sorts of ass. This is boysetsfire’s masterpiece. It goes back and forth from blistering anthems to melodic pieces, all along fighting for the plight of the working class. This falls with the best politically charged albums of the last 20 years due to the fact that it connects with, rather than preaches to the listener.

81. Metallica – Metallica
Sometimes albums that sell real well are pieces of crap (I’m looking at you, Nickelback). In some cases, they are fully warranted, like here. This is the album that catapulted Metallica into the stratosphere. Sure, they were big before, but now they were musical gods. Some hate them for switching up their sound. Others say this was their last good album. I just say this is an extremely solid hard rock record from front to back.

Parties White People Like

It’s summer time, so that naturally means it’s time to get together with dozens of people you don’t know and party it up. And not to sound racist, but parties held by suburban (or former suburban) white people are a breed all their own. What sets them apart from all other gatherings? They all seem to have these few things in common:

No music / 90’s music
I can’t really decide which is worse. With no music, you are spared the host’s usually poor choice in tunes, but quickly realize that, yes, all these people are as boring as you think they are. This usually involves long, awkward silences followed by someone trying a bad pickup line on someone else, but since there’s no music to hide it, everyone at the party ends up hearing it, causing many to abruptly excuse themselves.
I have no idea what it is with white people and, like, the same 5 “party” songs, usually hailing from the 90’s. It’s like music stopped after the Spice Girls disbanded. Yea, Biggie is still good, but how many times does Hypnotize really need to be played? And what makes it worse is when the designated music mixer throws in like one new song, probably because someone told them it would make them seem hip and get laid by some artist. M.I.A. has magic powers, but even she can’t swing that in between hours of LEN and Bon Jovi.

Cheap wine
Wine seems to have this mystical power about it, that when you see a bottle of it, some chemical goes off in your body that makes you scream “Class!,” even if the bottle costs about as much as a 6 pack of PBR (oddly enough, this is the same chemical that keeps you away from SPAM based products). Now I enjoy a good glass of wine, but if you’re buying total bottom of the barrel stuff, it can be painful. Which is why it invariably ends up getting opened, has a glass or two poured from it, and then sits there as the beer gets drunk. Save the wine for a small get together, not something where people are doing…

Keg stands
I’m convinced that this is not about getting drunk and more about looking up girl’s skirts. Let’s face it, in order to think this is a good idea in the first place, you have to be kind of inebriated already. And it never ends when you want it to end. It ends before the people holding you drop you on your head. Which leaves us with female undergarments. Not that I have any problem with this, but let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?

Blogging about / making fun of parties attended
Nothing screams “whitey” more than, while at a party, picking out all that’s wrong with it and then going home and blogging about it. Oops.

Got any more? I’m sure I’ve missed something here.

The Five: Johnny Depp

Picking the five best Johnny Depp roles was a daunting task. He’s just so good at what he does, important roles are bound to be left off on a list this small. There were some tough choices made here, but that’s what’s fun about it. So without further ado, the five best Johnny Depp roles. Enjoy.

5. Donnie Brasco (Joe Pistone/Donnie Brasco)
An FBI undercover agent who penetrates the mob? Been there, done that. Played by Johnny Depp? All of a sudden the tired becomes a bit more interesting. And being based on a true story, it almost begs to see how Depp masterfully maneuvers between his real and mob lives. And the chance to see him act alongside Al friggin Pacino? And hold his own? If an actor can steal a scene or two from Pacino (in a mob film nonetheless), it’s deserved of a mention. In a time before the Sopranos, a mob movie with a main focus on people and not the crimes was almost unheard of (though, admittedly, Goodfellas skewered the line pretty nicely seven years prior). Kudos go out to Depp (and Oscar nominated screenwriter Paul Attanasio) for making the Hollywood informant cliché personal.

4. Ed wood (Ed Wood)
I have to admit, I didn’t take too kindly to this film. I thought it went on too long and dragged at times. But this role as the legendary cult director is important for two reasons. The first is that Depp shows off his trademark quirkiness (seen later in such films as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Fear and Loathing). He is so weird, so off the wall in this role that you can’t help but be in awe. You truly believe that Depp is Ed Wood, much like Hunter Thompson, he takes the character and portrays him in a way that is two parts absurd and believable. The second is that this marks the second time he worked with Tim Burton, and after two films (and good performances), made Depp Tim’s go-to-guy. The two have together provided us with some of the most visually and characteristically unique films in recent memory.

3. Blow (George Jung)
As 70’s cocaine kingpin George Jung, Depp tried to put a human face on big time drugs (Scarface this is not). Maybe I’m a horrible person, but despite all of the bad deeds that are portrayed in the film (you know, aside from more or less introducing coke to the US), I ended up feeling bad for him at the end of the film. Depp came off tough yet sentimental. A business-savvy man that cared about those close to him. The character is riveting; I found myself thoroughly enjoying the rollercoaster ride that was his (Hollywoodized) life. Would I have the same reaction knowing the real George Jung? Who knows. But for 2 hours, Johnny Depp gets me to feel bad for a world class drug kingpin. Impressive indeed.

2. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (Hunter S. Thompson)
It’s no secret that Depp and Thompson were good friends while Thompson was alive. So it would be a real shame if Depp botched the role in the film based on Thompson’s most famous book. Fortunately for us, he did such an amazing job that he’s going to be doing it again (the upcoming Rum Diaries). It takes a certain type of personality to fully capture the madness that was Hunter Thompson on screen and Depp gets it done in spades. Whether or not Thompson was as really as off the wall in reality as Depp portrays, but as far as I’m concerned, Depp does not only do the part justice, but helps further cement the legend of Hunter S. Thompson into American literary culture. Bravo.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean (Captain Jack Sparrow)
I envisioned this list to be about roles and not complete films, which is why his role as the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow tops the list, despite Pirates not being the best movie he’s ever been in. Like all great roles, you attach the actor with the part and cannot envision anyone else playing it. Just as Brad Pitt will forever be Tyler Durden, Johnny Depp will be remembered as Jack Sparrow. Say what you want about the films themselves (the first one being the clear best of the series), this was the definition of character acting. Depp brought such humor and wit to the role that one couldn’t help but like him, even though his character was in reality a selfish, self-serving, well, pirate. I wouldn’t go as far as to call him an anti-hero, but he was as close as a hero can get without crossing that threshold. Depp once said in an interview that he would really miss the character of Jack Sparrow once it was all said and done. So will we. Though I can’t say the same about the last two movies.

When coming up with this list, I didn’t realize that so many of his great roles were actually based upon real people. And while the role of Jack Sparrow is iconic, and many of his Burton characters are quirky, I feel that he pours a lot of himself into these “based on a true story” roles. These roles seem to give him the most range: the first gonzo journalist, the leader of a drug cartel, a D-list director. When he gets the chance to dig deep into the psyche of a real person and bring them back to life on the screen, I feel that he’s truly enjoying what he does and it shows. The same goes for the role of Captain jack. When an actor truly throws themselves into a role, as Depp does on a constant basis, they shine. If these roles do nothing more than show how much he loves what he does, that’s good enough for me.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Eternal Suck

Now get off my damn lawn

There was one word going constantly through my head during Indy’s big return to the big screen: “Really?” Not really, as in, “Gee whiz! That’s really cool, but more along the lines of “What the hell were they thinking?”

Yes, I know Indiana Jones movies have never really skirted around the edges of realism but this one was just too much. After Iron Man raised the summer bar so high, Indiana Jones just felt like a colossal letdown. This might have been cool 20 years ago, but we’ve seen everything between the last installment and now. But I am willing to let that slide (besides, the motorcycle case was pretty cool). I am also willing to let slide the fact that everyone is acting on auto pilot and that the bad guy isn’t very villainous. But there are some things that I just can’t (Spoilers ahead, you’ve been warned).

The opening scene. Harrison’s acting (and dialogue) during the first 15 minutes was atrocious. Bad to the point where if it didn’t improve fast I would’ve left the theatre. Fortunately, it improved as it went along and he became more comfortable in the role, but one wonders why Spielberg used the take of the opening that he did. Things just got worse once the floating, magnetic gunpowder entered the scene (don’t ask). But that is nothing compared to

THE FUCKING NUCLEAR REFRIGERATOR. While eerie, The scene inside the nuclear testing ground added nothing to the film. It’s the fifties, we get it (you even had a nifty graphic telling us the year!) We tested nukes because of the Cold War. But that gives the film no reason to have him climb into a damn fridge to survive a nuclear blast. And then, after it blows him halfway across the desert, he gets out with nary a scratch on him. It’s like the only way people in these movies get a little roughed up is when they’re punching each other. Fist fight? Bring on the blood! Thrown hundred of feet in a fridge after a nuke goes off? Nothing. Nada. And the same goes for the fucking waterfalls. Why does Spielberg hate gravity?

But on top of everything, the movie just wasn’t Indy. There was one, that’s right, just one scene where I felt like this was actually an Indiana Jones film. It was when he and Mr. LaBeouf were excavating their first tomb together. That had all of the classic elements in it: wit, creepy enemies, a “puzzle.” No other scene had that. One of the best parts about the old Indiana Jones movies were the odd puzzles and how he had escaped rather unique perils inside of the tombs. Here, you just have the norm--rooms collapsing, rising water, etc. Nothing that makes you go “WOW" like getting buried alive or the giant boulders from previous installments. Indy also lost his charm, his quick wit. I blame the script, the original of which was shot down by George Lucas. Why does that man have to ruin everything? I would bet good money that the original draft was a million times better than what ended up on screen. It’s almost like they were trying to make a franchise around

SHIA LaBEOUF. And what the fuck was up with him constantly combing his hair? Oooooh, you’re a big bad tough greaser. We get it. We got it the first time. Put the fucking comb away! Now! And by the time he started swinging on vines with monkeys…well I had completely given up at that point. The rest of it was a big laugh, culminating in a shiny spaceship taking off at the end. Yes, Indy has gone Star Wars (Harrison even said his Han Solo trademark “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” line. Thanks, George!). Actually, come to think of it, I’d rather him put back on the flight vest at this point. On second thought, scratch that. I don’t need Mr. Lucas ruining yet another project. Let’s hope that despite the boatload of money this is going to make, that Mr. Ford hangs up the fedora once and for all and lets Dr. Jones die with whatever dignity he has left.

The Five: Brad Pitt

In an effort to get me to update this more often, I’ve decided to start something I like to call “The Five,” which is a list of an actor’s five best roles. I know what you’re thinking, “not anther fucking top whatever list by some douchebag who thinks he knows more than me!” I couldn’t agree with you more. But, alas, these things get hits, inspire debate and will hopefully get some of you to see a few of these films that you haven’t yet.
So why start with Brad Pitt? Surely, out of all the actors that have ever graced the screen, there is someone better to start off with than the guy screwing Angelina Jolie. Yes, there are better out there, but I feel that Mr. Pitt is fairly underrated as an actor. And besides, I’ve seen a shit-ton of his films so I feel that I am able to comment knowledgably about his skills. So without further ado, I present to you the inaugural installment of The Five.

5. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (Jesse James)
After a string of safe “paycheck” films (the Oceans series, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Troy), it was refreshing to see Mr. Pitt get back to actually acting with roles in Babel and The Assassination of Jesse James. This gets the nod over the former because it was so overlooked. Taking in a paltry four million in US box office receipts (fifteen worldwide), and one could have an argument for why this sat on the shelf for so long. Both are a shame. Pitt brought a quiet intensity to the notorious criminal, making James seem, dare I say it, almost likeable. Credit the script by Andrew Dominik or the scene stealing performance by Casey Affleck, but Brad nails the role of Jesse James, expertly straddling the line between cool and menacing. If you haven’t seen it (don’t lie, you haven’t), you owe it to yourself to do so.

4. Se7en (David Mills)
What’s in the box?” The line that stole the show (well at least the scene) for Mr. Pitt. Detective David Mills was a role that one could probably see another Hollywood “bad boy,” like Colin Farrell, play, but at this point in time, Pitt was big of a draw as the rest of the A-list cast but without overshadowing them. Eventually, due to it’s phenomenal box office performance, Se7en cemented Brad’s place among the Hollywood elite. It may not be his most memorable role, but it’s the one that made him a star.*

* Before everyone starts complaining that Thelma and Louise was his star making, breakout performance, let me explain myself. Thelma is the one that introduced him as the token hottie, soccer mom fantasy material if you will. Se7en was the one that really demonstrated his acting chops for the first time (just look at some of the films that followed, many of which are on this list).

3. Snatch. (Mickey O’Neil)
While not the largest of roles, Brad shines here because of his character's vernacular. Sure, you can’t understand the Irish/gypsy accent half the time (and neither could the characters in the film), but that’s what makes Mickey so memorable. In a film full of quirky characters, this one stands out due to his combination of toughness, humor and that fucking accent of his.

2. Twelve Monkeys (Jeffrey Goines)
Early in his career, Brad seemed to take more challenging roles, and playing Jeffrey Goines, an off the wall asylum inmate, was definitely one of them. His nervous, twitchy acting definitely set him apart from the rather calm and collected Bruce Willis, something that was greatly needed for the narrative to be believable. Brad is hilarious at times, adding a level of downright creepiness to the role. This would have been his crowning performance if t wasn’t for…

1. Fight Club (Tyler Durden)
This is it. Hands down, his best role. I would place good money that he never tops the role of Mr. Tyler Durden. Hell, Brad IS Tyler, whenever I see him in a film I always compare his role to this. He is the alpha male. Cool, collected, provocative, charming (in his twisted way). Tyler is everything that we want to be but are too afraid (or, in some cases, not stupid enough) to be. It was a tough assignment, but he nailed it. And as much credit as he gets for his performance, the same has to be given to Edward Norton. The two compeiment each other perfectly. We see what we are in Norton and what we want to be in Pitt. It’s an iconic role, one that, dare I say it, defines the new age Hollywood alpha male for a lot of men. When he’s long gone, this is the role that Brad Pitt will be remembered for and for good reason.

And the pretentiousness goes to...

11:37
As I can't end this on a Heath Ledger joke, and this show has gone downhill fast, all that's left is to make fun of John Travolta's hair.


I mean, come on people, this speaks for itself.



11:06
In memory of Heath Ledger? Too soon! Hollywood, have you no class?
/window seat please, first class.

11:00
Dear Hollywood, please don't let idiots give out major awards. Love ya lots, kthxbi

10:37
Why don't they ever cut off the old people? Jesus fuck this honorary guy is boring. This ceremony seriously needs some Tom Cruise craziness. Or a streaker. A Norbit upset. Something to not make me gauge out my eyes with nail clippers.

10:04
Oscar is fucking Matt Damon (it's fucking Matt Damon!), OK, too obvious, but I've had a few drinks and Bourne sweeps for sound. Riveting, I know. Know that'll put you over the top in your Oscar pools. And kudos for the Jonah Hill/Seth Rogen tag team for breaking up the suckfest that has been the presenters so far.

9:47
Jack Nicholson must be high. Or just a badass for wearing sunglasses inside. And just in case both of you reading this thought I was slipping, I had two great comments ready for supporting actress, but since neither of them won, you don't get to hear them. Neener-neener.

9:19
Wow, they are really hurting for presenters this year. The Rock? The chick from American Idol? Can't wait until Pauly Shore gets up on stage. Shave the poochie! Shave the poochie!

9:09
The Golden compass is an Oscar winner! take that Jesus! yeah....I'm trying to care, but I really don't. Though I was ready to start bitching about how, if Transformers won, how that gets an Oscar and so many deserving movies get overlooked. There is some justice in the world I guess.

8:55
So Ratatouille won for best animated flick, which is no real surprise. It IS the year of the rat after all. Just another way in which the Chinese are taking over our country. Why is Hollywood outsourcing it's awards? Aren't our jobs enough?

8:44
OMGZ! Oscar shocker! A period piece won for best costume design! Stop the fucking presses! Seriously though, why do they open up the show with an award that a total of 3 people care about? I can't wait until they hand out the award for best key grip.

8:41
Stewart started off strong but started to lose it towards the end there. But we did go a whole 10 minutes without a milkshake reference, which is a win no matter which way you look at it.

8:13
So I thought the ceremony started at 8. Silly me. And I refuse to sit around and listen to Regis Philbin scream at people for 20 more minutes. So time to fix me a drink and prepare the snark. Though "What's wrong with you people!" might quickly become the line of the night.

Blogging the latest Hollywood circle jerk

Tonight is the penultimate awards show in Hollywood's basically meaningless awards season, the Academy Awards. In honor of this momentous opportunity to skewer a ton of celebrities at once, I will attempt to make snarky comments on tonight's proceedings as they happen (kind of like what Best Week Ever is doing, except nobody is going to read this so i can be offensive as I want). Will it be tough? Definitely? Will it be funny? Probably not, but I'll try. Will I get bored about 40 minutes in and just end up saying fuck it? Most likely. But before it all goes down tonight and hopes and dreams are crushed by a single envelope, some predictions:

-jokes made involving some form of milkshake: 5.
-jokes made by Mr. Stewart that no one in the audience laughs at because they are robots and can't laugh at themselves: all of them.
-glasses of wine drank by yours truly: I'm going for bottles here.
-odds of a drunk Bill Murray storming the stage at some point claiming he was robbed a few years back: 2 to 1.
-odds that this will fail miserably: about even.

McCain cock blocks Romney

Picture this:
You're in a two person race for the presidency, with a slobbering dimwit trying to keep up with the big boys, still thinking he's got a shot, but really doesn't have a shot in purgatory (take that ya religious nut). So if you're a supporter of said presidential candidate and you find yourself coming in a distant third to your closest rival and that delusional moron, what do you do? You throw your votes to the moron, keeping your rival from winning. Which is exactly what happened today in West Virginia.

Because they hold a convention instead of a caucus or primary, WV actually had multiple votes today. In the first, Romney came out ahead, with Nutabee a close second. Since he didn't have the majority the first time around, they voted again. Which is when McCain supporters threw their support behind Mike, ensuring that Romney didn't get the 18 delegates, in the biggest cock block of the still new year (that ass from Saturday night comes in a close second though).

What does this mean? Absolutely nothing. It's still a two person race. All the Huck can do at this point is see which of the other two is willing to give him more when he drops out and persuades his delegates where to go. That, and how many times does the opportunity to use the phrase "cock block" in a headline come up without it being pervy? Some opportunities are too good to pass up.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously, though, does this mean Gisele is really gonna walk down Broadway naked? That's really what's at stake here.

I can haz prezidency?

Even though the victory may be fleeting, there is something warming about Obama’s smackdown of Clinton in the South Carolina primary over the weekend. I know I’m not the only one violently ill over her smear tactics and downright dirty politics (I heard he’s black!) and it was refreshing to see the residents of SC respond to her BS in the best way possible. Let the pundits talk all they want about how this was a win due, in large part, to the significant black population in South Carolina. Don’t buy it. What you see here is, for the first time this primary season, a decisive victory on the Deomocratic side. And this has got Hilary scared shitless. Or at least it should. While she was able to claim victory in New Hampshire and Nevada, they were hollow victories in that she actually came out behind in the number of delegates. And Obama’s victory in Iowa was just as meaningless, it was for all intents and purposes a tie. So now going into Super Tuesday, Obama is carrying the first real momentum of the races this year. Will it be enough to stop the Clinton machine? I can only hope, because if she gets the nom, I’ll have a tough choice to make in November, between a cardboard box and Reagan reincarnated in zombie form, because, let’s face it, that would be pretty damn awesome.

Humor is a funny thing

For all the funny bone lacking individuals out there, let's get this out of the way right away: quoting lines from movies, comedians, etc. does not make you funny. In fact it often has the opposite effect of which you originally intended, it shows us that you're really not that funny of a person. Humor is a funny thing, you either have it or you don't. Those who don't tend to fall back on the safest way to get a chuckle out f people, quoting pop culture in attempt to sound witty. You're not. In fact, guy at party who thinks he should have been cast in Super Troopers, all you've managed to do is show us that the person who originally wrote the line had a great sense of humor, and that you've just destroyed it. Thanks a lot.

Don't get me wrong, we are all guilty of the movie quote (myself included), but most of us know when a simple ice breaker crosses over into "this is all I've got going for me" territory. And honestly, if that's the case, if the only way you can get someone to laugh is by providing a unique interpretation of the "you know how I know you're gay skit" from the 40 Year Old Virgin (and probably ganked from the deleted scenes anyway), I doubt that they're going to stick around long enough to find out that you're actually a pretty cool guy (really, just stick around, you'll see!). So what's a humor lacking individual to do? How do you compete with people who are just flat out funnier and more personable than you are? Well, there are a few things you can do:

-Accept it and talk about sports or something. Because aside from your witty recitations of Dane Cook bits, the last thing we want to hear is your in depth analysis of why Peyton Manning is really overrated.

-Do something stupid like walk around with no pants on, or better yet, break something. At least that way people won't refer to you as "the unfunny movie guy." You will now be remembered as "The guy who ran around outside in below freezing weather without any pants on," Which is much better, trust me.

-Start arguing about politics, even if you know nothing about them. At least it's entertaining listening to someone complain about all the illegal Mexicans coming in from Canada and the WMDs that are over in Iraq.

-Get drunk. I mean at this point, why not, right?

-Kick the ass out of everyone who thinks you aren't funny, because let's face it, going by stereotypes, you probably could.

Comeback? Clinton, plz.

So let me get this straight. The Democratic candidate, who was all but handed the nomination by the media all of a few months ago, after losing one primary became the underdog? And then, after winning last night in New Hampshire, Hilary Clinton has made a comeback? From what, her stubbing her toe in Iowa? I'm sorry, but everyone trying to spin this as her making a comback drank as much (if not more) kool-aid than the people who thinks she actually advocates change. After 3 + decades in public service you become part of the status quo. Need proof? Just look who was standing behind her i her Iowa concession speech, looked a lot like her husband's old drinking pals.

All this said, it's way too early to crown a winner on either side. Clinton and Obama and going to fight it out through "I'm sick of this shit already Tuesday" and the Republican race is pretty wide open with about 3 or 4 viable candidates at this point. But while it's too early to predict the eventual winners, it isn't too early to say who deosn't have a shot in hell and to spout off about how nuts they all really are. So without further ado, I give you the 2008 presidential hopefuls.

Edwards - This was my guy, but he's got no chance of winning any primary. Even though he's still pulling decent numbers for a third place candidate, I don't see him lasting until February 5th. Well I actually think he should pull out before then because I have a feeling most of his backers will gravitate towards Obama instead of Clinton. But I also still beleive in Santa, so what does that tell you?

Clinton - Presidents don't cry in public, even if it's a fake photo op cry. Besides, she's in the "The media is to blame for your shitty parenting" camp so I'd vote for a cardboard box over her.

Obama - No sense in hiding it, he's my boy now. People say he has no experience. I say it's not like he reads at a fourth grade level here. They say he's all talk and no concrete positions. I say, have you never heard a politician speak before (or tried to pick someone up at a bar)? They also say he's black, but I tihnk that's just a nasty rumor.

Huckabee - The guy's a total nutjob. Agreed, he talks reals nice, but he also thinks baby Jeebus was born underneath the shine of the moon and T-Rex shadow.

McCain - I woudn't get the "Oh shit, we're headed back to the dark ages" feeling if he gets the nom (like I would with Huckabee), but this guy lost it somewhere between still suporting Bush on the war and that stupid "Mac is Back" slogan. Now I'm hungry for McDonald's, thanks a lot.

Guiliani - Yes, he cleaned up the sretts of my fair city, but in doing so he also got rid of all the skeevy porn shops outside of Times Square. And he made it impossible for anyone making under 60k a year (like firemen and police officers) to llive here somewhat comfortably. Oops.

Romney - He looks and sounds like a used car salesman. 'Nuff said.

Paul - He actually makes sense economically, but he doesn't actually fit into the Republican party. While I see this as a good thing, they somehow don't like that. Who would've thought?

Thompson - He's old and has a trophy wife. Living proof that if you have a TV career you can score any ass you want, no matter how you look. In other words, he's the American dream.