Sunday, February 24, 2008

And the pretentiousness goes to...

11:37
As I can't end this on a Heath Ledger joke, and this show has gone downhill fast, all that's left is to make fun of John Travolta's hair.


I mean, come on people, this speaks for itself.



11:06
In memory of Heath Ledger? Too soon! Hollywood, have you no class?
/window seat please, first class.

11:00
Dear Hollywood, please don't let idiots give out major awards. Love ya lots, kthxbi

10:37
Why don't they ever cut off the old people? Jesus fuck this honorary guy is boring. This ceremony seriously needs some Tom Cruise craziness. Or a streaker. A Norbit upset. Something to not make me gauge out my eyes with nail clippers.

10:04
Oscar is fucking Matt Damon (it's fucking Matt Damon!), OK, too obvious, but I've had a few drinks and Bourne sweeps for sound. Riveting, I know. Know that'll put you over the top in your Oscar pools. And kudos for the Jonah Hill/Seth Rogen tag team for breaking up the suckfest that has been the presenters so far.

9:47
Jack Nicholson must be high. Or just a badass for wearing sunglasses inside. And just in case both of you reading this thought I was slipping, I had two great comments ready for supporting actress, but since neither of them won, you don't get to hear them. Neener-neener.

9:19
Wow, they are really hurting for presenters this year. The Rock? The chick from American Idol? Can't wait until Pauly Shore gets up on stage. Shave the poochie! Shave the poochie!

9:09
The Golden compass is an Oscar winner! take that Jesus! yeah....I'm trying to care, but I really don't. Though I was ready to start bitching about how, if Transformers won, how that gets an Oscar and so many deserving movies get overlooked. There is some justice in the world I guess.

8:55
So Ratatouille won for best animated flick, which is no real surprise. It IS the year of the rat after all. Just another way in which the Chinese are taking over our country. Why is Hollywood outsourcing it's awards? Aren't our jobs enough?

8:44
OMGZ! Oscar shocker! A period piece won for best costume design! Stop the fucking presses! Seriously though, why do they open up the show with an award that a total of 3 people care about? I can't wait until they hand out the award for best key grip.

8:41
Stewart started off strong but started to lose it towards the end there. But we did go a whole 10 minutes without a milkshake reference, which is a win no matter which way you look at it.

8:13
So I thought the ceremony started at 8. Silly me. And I refuse to sit around and listen to Regis Philbin scream at people for 20 more minutes. So time to fix me a drink and prepare the snark. Though "What's wrong with you people!" might quickly become the line of the night.

Blogging the latest Hollywood circle jerk

Tonight is the penultimate awards show in Hollywood's basically meaningless awards season, the Academy Awards. In honor of this momentous opportunity to skewer a ton of celebrities at once, I will attempt to make snarky comments on tonight's proceedings as they happen (kind of like what Best Week Ever is doing, except nobody is going to read this so i can be offensive as I want). Will it be tough? Definitely? Will it be funny? Probably not, but I'll try. Will I get bored about 40 minutes in and just end up saying fuck it? Most likely. But before it all goes down tonight and hopes and dreams are crushed by a single envelope, some predictions:

-jokes made involving some form of milkshake: 5.
-jokes made by Mr. Stewart that no one in the audience laughs at because they are robots and can't laugh at themselves: all of them.
-glasses of wine drank by yours truly: I'm going for bottles here.
-odds of a drunk Bill Murray storming the stage at some point claiming he was robbed a few years back: 2 to 1.
-odds that this will fail miserably: about even.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

McCain cock blocks Romney

Picture this:
You're in a two person race for the presidency, with a slobbering dimwit trying to keep up with the big boys, still thinking he's got a shot, but really doesn't have a shot in purgatory (take that ya religious nut). So if you're a supporter of said presidential candidate and you find yourself coming in a distant third to your closest rival and that delusional moron, what do you do? You throw your votes to the moron, keeping your rival from winning. Which is exactly what happened today in West Virginia.

Because they hold a convention instead of a caucus or primary, WV actually had multiple votes today. In the first, Romney came out ahead, with Nutabee a close second. Since he didn't have the majority the first time around, they voted again. Which is when McCain supporters threw their support behind Mike, ensuring that Romney didn't get the 18 delegates, in the biggest cock block of the still new year (that ass from Saturday night comes in a close second though).

What does this mean? Absolutely nothing. It's still a two person race. All the Huck can do at this point is see which of the other two is willing to give him more when he drops out and persuades his delegates where to go. That, and how many times does the opportunity to use the phrase "cock block" in a headline come up without it being pervy? Some opportunities are too good to pass up.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

HAHAHAHAHAHA




Seriously, though, does this mean Gisele is really gonna walk down Broadway naked? That's really what's at stake here.