There was one word going constantly through my head during Indy’s big return to the big screen: “Really?” Not really, as in, “Gee whiz! That’s really cool, but more along the lines of “What the hell were they thinking?”
Yes, I know Indiana Jones movies have never really skirted around the edges of realism but this one was just too much. After Iron Man raised the summer bar so high, Indiana Jones just felt like a colossal letdown. This might have been cool 20 years ago, but we’ve seen everything between the last installment and now. But I am willing to let that slide (besides, the motorcycle case was pretty cool). I am also willing to let slide the fact that everyone is acting on auto pilot and that the bad guy isn’t very villainous. But there are some things that I just can’t (Spoilers ahead, you’ve been warned).
The opening scene. Harrison’s acting (and dialogue) during the first 15 minutes was atrocious. Bad to the point where if it didn’t improve fast I would’ve left the theatre. Fortunately, it improved as it went along and he became more comfortable in the role, but one wonders why Spielberg used the take of the opening that he did. Things just got worse once the floating, magnetic gunpowder entered the scene (don’t ask). But that is nothing compared to
THE FUCKING NUCLEAR REFRIGERATOR. While eerie, The scene inside the nuclear testing ground added nothing to the film. It’s the fifties, we get it (you even had a nifty graphic telling us the year!) We tested nukes because of the Cold War. But that gives the film no reason to have him climb into a damn fridge to survive a nuclear blast. And then, after it blows him halfway across the desert, he gets out with nary a scratch on him. It’s like the only way people in these movies get a little roughed up is when they’re punching each other. Fist fight? Bring on the blood! Thrown hundred of feet in a fridge after a nuke goes off? Nothing. Nada. And the same goes for the fucking waterfalls. Why does Spielberg hate gravity?
But on top of everything, the movie just wasn’t Indy. There was one, that’s right, just one scene where I felt like this was actually an Indiana Jones film. It was when he and Mr. LaBeouf were excavating their first tomb together. That had all of the classic elements in it: wit, creepy enemies, a “puzzle.” No other scene had that. One of the best parts about the old Indiana Jones movies were the odd puzzles and how he had escaped rather unique perils inside of the tombs. Here, you just have the norm--rooms collapsing, rising water, etc. Nothing that makes you go “WOW" like getting buried alive or the giant boulders from previous installments. Indy also lost his charm, his quick wit. I blame the script, the original of which was shot down by George Lucas. Why does that man have to ruin everything? I would bet good money that the original draft was a million times better than what ended up on screen. It’s almost like they were trying to make a franchise around
SHIA LaBEOUF. And what the fuck was up with him constantly combing his hair? Oooooh, you’re a big bad tough greaser. We get it. We got it the first time. Put the fucking comb away! Now! And by the time he started swinging on vines with monkeys…well I had completely given up at that point. The rest of it was a big laugh, culminating in a shiny spaceship taking off at the end. Yes, Indy has gone Star Wars (Harrison even said his Han Solo trademark “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” line. Thanks, George!). Actually, come to think of it, I’d rather him put back on the flight vest at this point. On second thought, scratch that. I don’t need Mr. Lucas ruining yet another project. Let’s hope that despite the boatload of money this is going to make, that Mr. Ford hangs up the fedora once and for all and lets Dr. Jones die with whatever dignity he has left.
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