Parties White People Like

It’s summer time, so that naturally means it’s time to get together with dozens of people you don’t know and party it up. And not to sound racist, but parties held by suburban (or former suburban) white people are a breed all their own. What sets them apart from all other gatherings? They all seem to have these few things in common:

No music / 90’s music
I can’t really decide which is worse. With no music, you are spared the host’s usually poor choice in tunes, but quickly realize that, yes, all these people are as boring as you think they are. This usually involves long, awkward silences followed by someone trying a bad pickup line on someone else, but since there’s no music to hide it, everyone at the party ends up hearing it, causing many to abruptly excuse themselves.
I have no idea what it is with white people and, like, the same 5 “party” songs, usually hailing from the 90’s. It’s like music stopped after the Spice Girls disbanded. Yea, Biggie is still good, but how many times does Hypnotize really need to be played? And what makes it worse is when the designated music mixer throws in like one new song, probably because someone told them it would make them seem hip and get laid by some artist. M.I.A. has magic powers, but even she can’t swing that in between hours of LEN and Bon Jovi.

Cheap wine
Wine seems to have this mystical power about it, that when you see a bottle of it, some chemical goes off in your body that makes you scream “Class!,” even if the bottle costs about as much as a 6 pack of PBR (oddly enough, this is the same chemical that keeps you away from SPAM based products). Now I enjoy a good glass of wine, but if you’re buying total bottom of the barrel stuff, it can be painful. Which is why it invariably ends up getting opened, has a glass or two poured from it, and then sits there as the beer gets drunk. Save the wine for a small get together, not something where people are doing…

Keg stands
I’m convinced that this is not about getting drunk and more about looking up girl’s skirts. Let’s face it, in order to think this is a good idea in the first place, you have to be kind of inebriated already. And it never ends when you want it to end. It ends before the people holding you drop you on your head. Which leaves us with female undergarments. Not that I have any problem with this, but let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?

Blogging about / making fun of parties attended
Nothing screams “whitey” more than, while at a party, picking out all that’s wrong with it and then going home and blogging about it. Oops.

Got any more? I’m sure I’ve missed something here.