Leave this off your fucking charts!

The problem with year end lists, at least for me is that I use them as a guide to what I missed out on during the year. So my list is going to look nothing like Pitchfork's, or a lot of the amg lists, a lot of the albums on there I will be listening to during the first few, slower months of the year (Panda Bear, the National, Justice, etc). So now for something completely different, the list of what you should have been listening to this year (15 albums and 20 songs):

1. El-p - I'll sleep when you're dead - Vanilla Ice, he ain't. Coming out earlier in the year, so people tended to forget about him, especially with the plethora of highly hyped hip hop albums coming out towards the end (Kanye, Jay-Z, Wu-tang). But that doesn't change the fact that this is the smartest hip hop album to come out this year, hands down. You need to invest time into it to get its full effect, but trust me, it's well worth the effort.

2. Arctic Monkeys - Favourite worst nightmare - While not as good as Whatever people Say... this is a very worthy followup and further cements the Monyeys place as one of the best new acts out there. From the tornado-esque riff at the beginning of "Brainstorm," to the mellower vibes of "505," these guys are here to stay.

3. Nine Inch Nails - Year zero - Trent fanboyism aside, this is light years ahead of his last effort, the inconsistent With Teeth. This album is best listened to as a whole, not just because of the concept album arch, but because the songs fit so well together. Oh, the whole viral marketing scheme was pretty cool too.

4. M.I.A. - Kala - If you would have told me at the beginning of the year, that one of the best songs of the year would feature a loop taken straight outta Bollywood, I would have called you bat shit crazy. Fortunately, you didn't, so I don't have to eat my words.

5. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of silver - This record has single handidly created more faux hipsters than the works of the Shins, Of Montreal, and the Arcade Fre combined. james Murphy must be proud.

6. Spoon - Ga ga ga ga ga - This is wha pop music should sound like. Easy on the ears, but complex enough for you to sound cool when you talk about it. Bonus: the video for "Don't You Evah" totally rocks.

7. Brother Ali - The undisputed truth - Ali has always had a way with words, coming off confident without sounding cocky. He gets very personal this time around, with topics ranging from his ex-wife to the war in Iraq, and he's never sounded better. The truth is here, now people just need to listen.

8.Radiohead - In rainbows - With In rainbows, Radiohead has put out their fourth best record. Still, their number 4 is still miles ahead of what most other people accomplish with thier best. Forget the pay what you want method of release, the best thing here is it's thier most solid body of work since Kid A.

9. Queens of the stone age - Era vulgaris - Like Lullabies to paralyze, this record took some time to grow on me. And while I'm still not completely convinced it holds up with thier best bodies of work, this is still pretty kick ass desert rock from start to finish.

10. Jay-Z - American gangster - The best album based on a movie, but not actually affliated with said movie, EVER. Welcome back, Sean.

11. Arcade Fire - Neon bible - OK, I'll admit it, I'm a bandwagon jumper. After failing to be that impressed with their first album, Neon bible totally rocks. Saying that they were never anything special, those are words that I will eat. Just make sure you throw some salt on there first.

12. The Rakes - 10 New messages - This one comes out of left field. Not as instantly catchy (or grabby) as the Monkeys, The Rakes are more of a subdued dance rock/brit pop/whatever group. They never really overwhelm you, but are still able to make you groove. Hot song title: "When Tom Cruise crys" methinks someone's not getting invited to this years Scientologist circle-jerk.

13. Saul Williams - The inevitable rise... - Fuck it, it's a long title and I don't feel like typing it. Not quite rap, not quite spoken word, but entirely kick ass. Trent Reznor provewds a perfect compliment to Saul's diatribe and the result is his cleanest, most inspired musical outting to date. This is for the thinking man, but then again, if you are still bumping "Crank That," chances are you don't know who he is anyway.

14. Aesop Rock - None shall pass - Along with having the joint of the year (the tile track), Mr. Rock proves why he's one of the most gifted lyricists out there, all the while confusing the hell out of you. Few can make that work. Aes doesn't just make it work, he makes it good. Touche.

15. Here's to Kanye West and Pharoahe Monch who put together solid albums, but left the taste of filler in my mouth. And to Sage Francis who basically made a spoken word album. Still good, but felt like it was missing something. And !!! who made enough noise for me to figure out how to actually pronounce their name. And finally to guys like The Wu-tang Clan and Lupe Fiasco, who's albums came out too late in the year for me to have a proper pass at them.

The tracks:

1. Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass
2. El-p - The Overly Dramatic Truth
3. Nine Inch Nails - In this Twilight
4. Modest Mouse - Dashboard
5. Cool Calm Pete - Get with the Times
6. Arctic Monkeys - Do me a Favour
7. The White Stripes - Icky Thump
8. LCD Soundsystem - All my Friends
9. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Down Boy
10. Bloc Party - I still Remember
11. M.I.A. - Jimmy
12. Dizzee Rascal - Where's da G's
13. Spoon - Don't you Evah
14. Art Brut - Direct Hit
15. Brother Ali - Daylight
16. The Rakes - We Danced Together
17. Queens of the Stone Age - Turnin' on the Screw
18. Radiohead - All I Need
19. Jay-Z - No Hook
20. Kanye West - Good Life

The war on education

"Ever notice how we don't do all that well in wars on nouns?" –Michael Moore

Gotta give it up to Tony Snow. In speaking the Academy of Leadership & Liberty at Oklahoma Christian University recently, Snow made this proclamation:

“The average Iranian is more Pro-American than virtually any college faculty in this country.” he also spoke about the war on terror and “the second war in this country, the war on God.”

In trying to make his point that the vast Christian majority in this country is being oppressed worse than Jews were during the Holocaust, he actually declares war on something else: education. You sly dog you! By calling college faculties across the country “Anti-American,” he is more or less saying, the only way you can be a good citizen and love this country is to be stoopid. And not just can’t figure out how to get the new DVR to work stupid. We’re talking, high school drop out stupid.

First, I’d love to know where he got his little statistic about the “average Iranian.” Is he referencing some imaginary poll? Or maybe he’s talking about the Presidents’ falling poll numbers. Because, of course, if you disagree with the President, you obviously hate your country. And probably are making bombs in your basement. Right now. Never mind the fact that protest is in fact patriotism, and that the reason people dissent is (for the most part) that we do love our country and we’re upset in the direction that it’s headed. So in wanting to have things change for the better, we question. And protest. But in order to do those things, in order to think rationally, one has to get educated.

So what’s Mr. Snow’s answer on how to get rid of the scary secular-progressive boogeymen? Call them Anti-American because they got educated at the evil universities of this country. Love your country kids, stay stupid! Getting an education might make you start to question things, which is clearly un-American! It sickens me that someone like this was spewing forth propaganda for so long. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really surprise me though.

Tolerance levels

This weekend I was called “too tolerant.” Not just tolerant, but too tolerant, as an insult. This came about after one (of many) discussions of race between myself and another individual. Though discussion might be too strong of a word. You can’t discuss something with someone when every other word out of their mouth is a racial slur. So this was more like listening to a whiny six year old, you let them talk their crazy talk, try to bring up some valid points, and then eventually just give up when you realize all your attempts are futile. At which point (just like a six year old), they believe they’re the smarter person because you refuse to acknowledge their outrageous claims anymore. It was somewhere during the course of this that I was called “too tolerant” because I was defending people of other ethnicities. To clear the air, there is one group of people who I cannot stand and am extremely not tolerant of. That group is racists.

It’s not that I’m really that offended by a majority of the slurs themselves, if someone drops one on occasion, I’m likely just to shrug it off and let it slide. But when someone bases their entire argument on slurs and stereotypes, that’s when it really becomes a problem. Not only are you showing a lack of class, but you are demonstrating a complete incapability of holding an intelligent conversation, let alone the severe risk you hold if getting your ass beat if you’re talking to the wrong guy. A few of the gems from this weekend (excluding the 2,000 utterances of the N-bomb in a variety of forms):

“Would it really be that bad if New York City got wiped off the face of the earth?”
“Is it just a coincidence that the only guy getting yelled at by security was a black guy?”
“I hope you’re happy when everyone turns gay and it’s the end of the human race.”

Etc., etc. Some of this, on the surface, would seem to just be baiting, throwing out ridiculous statements to see who’ll bite. I would chalk it up to that except for the fact that the only two things out of this guy’s mouth all weekend were sports comments and racial slurs. At some point you have to start thinking that maybe he does really think like this. And not only does he think like this, but he vocalizes it, completely oblivious to how stupid he sounds.

I would have hoped, by this point in history, after getting past slavery, women’s rights, the abolishment of the “separate but equal” laws, etc., that we’d be beyond this as a society. That racism/sexism/pure hatred really wasn’t that prevalent anymore. Or at least people wouldn’t be so stupid as to make their feelings so obvious. Maybe I’m just giving people too much credit. Or maybe I really am too tolerant and most black people just want to rob and kill me. You know, seeing it put like that, fuck him. Racist scumbag. How’s that for tolerance?

Drop the Bunn...errr...Teddy!

As much as I like to discredit all religion equally, it’s kinda hard not to give a leg up to the Muslims. Take this weeks fiasco in Sudan, where a British school teacher was jailed for allowing a child to name a teddy bear Mohammed. Now you have sword wielding protesters in the streets screaming that she be executed for defaming the god. Granted she didn’t actually name the stuffed toy, a child did. But since she allowed it to go through (aren’t a lot of Muslims named Mohammed as well?) she was charged with insulting religion (convicted), inciting hatred and showing contempt for religious beliefs (cleared on both). I know all Muslims aren’t like this, and anyone with a functioning brain should look at this and just shake their head in shame, but WTF??? It seems to have gotten to the point where you can’t even mention the “M word” without immediately following it with gold plated praise. If you thought the Danish cartoon fiasco was absurd, this is just outright ludicrous. The wack job fundamentalists who take to the streets over things like this, really do give Muslims a bad name, which is a shame. Because the last thing they need right now is another reason for the Western Islamaphobes to say “See? I told you so.” Let’s just hope cooler heads prevail. Because if a teddy bear can cause an international incident, I hope no one finds out what my friend calls his ‘johnson.’

Instead of making this into a new post, I've decided to add on to this, as it covers similiar ground. While not even close to what's going on in Sudam, I am very disheartened by the Catholic League's called for boycott over "The Golden Compass" film, which they says promotes athiest ideas. And my question to them is, so what if it does? Isn't the idea of different points of view something to be welcomed? Won't it lead to better, more indepth and informed discussions? This sickens me, as we live in a society where the phrase "corporate monopoly" might as well be a four letter word, but we somehow think it's OK to have just one option when it comes to religion. By the Catholic Leagues standards, any questioning of the Bible should not be tolerated, ever, and even though they're not brandishing swords over it, they're still waging war. Were there any athiest protests over the film adaption of the "Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?" Were non-believers out picketing "The Passion of the Christ?" Not that i can remember, though I do remember a small fraction of people getting into a huss about Harry Potter and how it promotes witchcraft. It's funny to me how these religions preach tolerence, unless you don't beleive what they do (and god help you if you don't beleive anything at all!). Can't we all just get along?

Jesus hates Angelina Jolie

Just when I thought I would have nothing entertaining to write about, this comes along. Let's get something out of the way right off the bat. I originally had no interest whatsoever in seeing Beowulf. I'm just sick of the whole over the top CG action fests that have been all of the rage the last few years. But after reading this, after hearing someone call a movie "quite probably the most heinous culprit for stealing childhood from children ever made," it becomes a necessity that I go see it.

While the film's been earning decent reviews overall (70% on Rotten Tomatoes as of this writing), it really took a nut case like this to get me into a theater. I know he's evaluating the film on "Christian principles," but can it really be THAT heathenistic? I've read the poem and it wasn't any worse than the majority of what you'd read in the sci-fi/fantasy genres nowadays. So without seeing the film yet, I've decided to prematurely label this guy as a fucking moron, using the following points to back me up:

"It might even be equivalent to NC-17 but I cannor tell you that since we have not and will not analyze any NC-17 (or X) films"... I decided to keep the typo in there, but WOW, Hollywood must be getting real lax these days, allowing an NC-17 film to slip by as PG-13! Not to mention he's comparing it to films that he hasn't even seen, so he has no frame of reference. NICE. Angelina must have slept with a few of the test screeners to pull this one off. My guess is that Jesus is crying over this.

"I will not argue the nudity in this film. That the filmmakers used what looked like metallic plating over portions of the nude witch does not excuse the nudity."... damn those filmmakers for covering up the naughty bits with metallic painting! Dear reviewer, have you ever seen a naked person before? The last time I checked, if it's covered up, be it with metal cgi effects, or, say, clothing, it ain't nudity. But that just might be my inner evil, secular East coast liberal coming out again.

"I have read lots of poems but never have I seen nudity in a poem."...I think I just LOL'd.

At this point he goes into a study on how teens can't separate fiction from reality and this is going to make them all vote for Hilary or some shit. At this point I gave up. I scrolled down a bit and saw him starting to quote Bible passages, as if that would save him from the horrors he has just seen. In the end he gave the film a final rating of 7/100. Which was 5 points lower than Natural Born Killers. Just saying.

Oh, and what's with all these hardcore faith based sites looking like they were designed by a high school kid back in 1990? Does god not bestow the gift of decent design upon his most devout?

Drama Queens

As much as I sympathize with the striking WGA members, if you live in New York, who needs ‘em? When the sports page is filled with more drama than all of your favorites shows combined, it takes the sting out of the fact that we now have no excuse to not be productive with our free time. A-Rod interrupting the World Series in order to say that, on second thought, a quarter of a billion dollars just isn’t worth it? The Isiah Thomas sexual harassment trial? And now Stephon Marbury basically just saying "I quit, deal with it?" This stuff is pure gold.

In case you don’t know what went down, here’s the supposed back story: Isiah, in trying to do something to turn around his train wreck of a team, decided to bench Marbury. Thinking he’s god’s gift to whatever the Knicks do, Marbury didn’t show for a game in Phoenix last night. Odds are he’s not showing again tonight in L.A. And just how could he get away with this? Rumor has It that he says he has some serious “shit” on Mr. Thomas that would make what happened during his recent sexual harassment trial look like kiddie stuff.

One can only speculate as to what these other things are. We all know that Isiah isn’t capable of running a McDonalds, let alone an NBA team, though as long as Jim Dolan decides that winning 56 games in 2 years is enough improvement to keep him around, he’s not going anywhere. Pay no mind that 56 wins is an off year for the Dallas and Phoenix’s of the league, so the bar has been set incredibly low. Whatever Stephan has on Tohomas, or claims he has, has got to be juicy. It’s got to be enough to make him say, “you know what, you’re better off staying home than coming off the bench.” And it must be better than Marbury giving it to an intern in a pickup truck. This is pure speculation at this point, but I t bet it involves farm animals and the South Pacific sex trade. Because at this point, it’s going to take something of that magnitude for Dolan to grow the balls to put an end to Isiah’s tenure as coach/owner/colossal fuck up.

So what if the writers are on strike a few more weeks when we have the constant soap opera that is New York City? I don’t know what will come of this, but with the cast of clowns involved, it’s not likely to disappoint. Grab the popcorn, this is gonna get good.

Rob Sheffield isn't funny

Rolling Stone is all sorts of fail. I don’t know when it happened, but sometime over the past few years, Rolling Stone went from being relevant, to just sort of there, to finally taking the death plunge into obscurity for today’s music fans.* But to their credit, they did see this death gasp coming and tried to do something about it. They tried going the snarky hipster route for a while, having Rob Sheffield spout off about celebrities and “pop” culture every month. Except none of it was very funny. “40 things he hates more than Paris Hilton?” Railing on Blowhan? Too easy, not to mention that every other celebrity blogger in existence does the same thing. Besides high school girls (and yes, that includes people with the mentality of high schoolers), who really cares what’s going on with these people? They like to party and make shitty movies. Nothing to see here people, move along. A major reason for Rolling Stone’s downfall is that is has lost track of its target audience.

For as long as I can remember, RS has had a Viagra educed hard on about it’s glory days, when it was indeed a cultural force and helped define what cool was. But since that time has passed, the magazine has had a hard time finding it’s voice. It still longs for the nostalgia of days old, which is evident anytime you open up one of their commemorative issues, where it’s a who’s-who list of Jann’s celebrity friends. I wouldn’t have a problem with this if they were getting contemporary music right. They just don’t get it. But they think they do. While they’re putting Kid Rock on the cover of their Hot issue (was he ever relavent?), the kids are running over to places such as Pitchfork to find out about artists that actually matter. I get it though, to an extent. Who’s going to sell more magazines, Kid Rock and a bunch of half naked women, or Of Montreal? Maroon 5 or the Roots? Rolling Stone is a business and do what they need to do to make money. Unfortunately that means giving us interviews with Perez Hilton instead of, I don’t know, anyone else on the fucking planet (seriously, my 16 year old brother is more significant than that quack). But while trying to appeal to today’s fans, they’re actually doing two things. First, they’re driving away the real young music fans who will go and seek out great new music and art in exciting and unexpected new places. Which, ironically, is how Rolling Stone built it’=s name to begin with, by providing a place to find the cool new music of the time. Secondly, they’re driving away their original readers as well. These guys see through the bullshit just as much as we do, and you can only praise the Beatles so much before you just get sick of the other 95% of the content and move on. And when you alienate the young hip crowd and the original (now older) hip crowd, what does that leave you with? Tweens. And morons. I guess that’s what happens when you get in bed with MTV.

This all leads up to the fact that they’ve just lost touch. I still laugh every time I read a review of a rap record in that magazine. Sure, crap is crap, whatever genre it is, and those they get right. But 50 Cent vs Kanye, for the title of the greatest emcee at the moment? As much as I enjoy Kanye’s music, it doesn’t exactly take a discerning listener to realize that his flow isn’t exactly up to par and that his rhymes are very hit and miss. I’d like to see either one of them try to keep up with guys like Aesop Rock or MF Doom. Can you see Ye keeping up with Blockhead’s beat on “None Shall Pass?” And I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed their influx of “safe” reviews. You know, when a big star puts out a mediocre to sub par record, you can count on it getting 3 stars, which they label as “good.” Don’t want to piss them off, or they might not agree to do a cover shoot! Whatever happened to being honest? If a record blows, and I don’t care if Jesus TF Christ himself put it out, you should call it out. Don’t be afraid of the wrath of artists with pull, if they put out crap, odds are they’ll eventually admit it.

This is not to say that Rolling Stone is all bad. There are glimmers of hope still shimmering within its pages. Peter Travers remains the most reliable film critic in the business, and is spot on with his observations more often than not. New political correspondent Matt Taibbi has become the sole reason for me not canceling my subscription. He cuts through the political bullshit with an “are you fucking kidding me?” sense of humor and perspective that’s very refreshing. Unlike others who write for the rag (no names, Mr. Sheffield), he doesn’t seem to be forcing his humor, it comes in naturally and doesn’t detract from nor take over the piece.

What can they do to get back in good favor with the music loving public? First and foremost, it has to decide what it wants to be, whether it’s a pop rag aimed at the Youtube kids, or a magazine that covers serious musicians and cuts out the bubblegum crap. It seems to be taking small steps toward the later, with a new, stripped down redesign, that or they’re just trying to cut costs. Second, pay more attention to the up and coming music scenes. By the time they break a “new” artist, most of us have already made our minds up about them and moved on. Review more indie records. Don’t call someone a hot new artist when they’re on their third full length. And please, PLEASE, get back to making more interesting covers. They used to be a work of art. Now they’re as forgettable as a lot of the people that adorn them. Because as much as you’ve been doing wrong Rolling Stone, we don’t want you to leave. Really.


* When I say music fans, I don’t mean people who gobble up Nickelback records like McDonalds cheeseburgers. This is not for you.

Mannequins with nipples

Statuephilia, also called agalmatophilia, or Pygmalionism after the myth of Pygmalion, is an uncommon sexual fetish or paraphilia that involves sexual attraction to statues or dolls. In its literal sense it means sexual attraction to statues (usually but not exclusively nudes), but the objects of attraction may also be lifelike mannequins or dolls (Source: wikipedia).

So what does this have to do with me, or more importantly, this blog? The most obvious reason is the mannequin world’s recent fascination with putting rock hard nipples on their products. Now this just seems like a waste of perfectly good mannequin material to me. Just think of all the extra mannequins they could make if they just got rid of these things! How many women are passing by these things and saying “WOW! Look at the nipples on that thing! I think I’m going to go in and shop!” It’s true, at first glance, these plastic areolas seem to have no purpose whatsoever. Bu long after you pass it by, it stays in your mind. Not that you have a thing for mannequins, but because that little extra bit of plastic is oddly intriguing, just enough to get it to stick in your mind than their other, nippleless counterparts. Next thing you know, you’re back in the store buying whatever it is they were wearing. And a pretzel, because shopping is always better with a pretzel.

Over the span of its life, this little journal (I’ve just decided that the word ‘blog’ shall never be uttered again, ever) is an exercise in the effects of anatomically correct mannequins. At first glance, seemingly useless, but the more you think about it, the more stimulating and intriguing it becomes. This is not going to be one of those places where I complain about personal matters, delve into celebrity gossip or give you a rundown of the days minor news stories (by the way, have you SEEN Don Vitos’ mugshot? He looks like he just devoured a colony of underage Umpaloompas). There are more than enough sites that do that. My goal is to (hopefully) enlighten and entertain with the various things that make me me. There will be moments of sheer brilliance, followed by paragraphs of pure drivel and randomness. But if you remember our mannequin friends, we just might make it out of this with some sense of self worth. But probably not.