Parties White People Like

It’s summer time, so that naturally means it’s time to get together with dozens of people you don’t know and party it up. And not to sound racist, but parties held by suburban (or former suburban) white people are a breed all their own. What sets them apart from all other gatherings? They all seem to have these few things in common:

No music / 90’s music
I can’t really decide which is worse. With no music, you are spared the host’s usually poor choice in tunes, but quickly realize that, yes, all these people are as boring as you think they are. This usually involves long, awkward silences followed by someone trying a bad pickup line on someone else, but since there’s no music to hide it, everyone at the party ends up hearing it, causing many to abruptly excuse themselves.
I have no idea what it is with white people and, like, the same 5 “party” songs, usually hailing from the 90’s. It’s like music stopped after the Spice Girls disbanded. Yea, Biggie is still good, but how many times does Hypnotize really need to be played? And what makes it worse is when the designated music mixer throws in like one new song, probably because someone told them it would make them seem hip and get laid by some artist. M.I.A. has magic powers, but even she can’t swing that in between hours of LEN and Bon Jovi.

Cheap wine
Wine seems to have this mystical power about it, that when you see a bottle of it, some chemical goes off in your body that makes you scream “Class!,” even if the bottle costs about as much as a 6 pack of PBR (oddly enough, this is the same chemical that keeps you away from SPAM based products). Now I enjoy a good glass of wine, but if you’re buying total bottom of the barrel stuff, it can be painful. Which is why it invariably ends up getting opened, has a glass or two poured from it, and then sits there as the beer gets drunk. Save the wine for a small get together, not something where people are doing…

Keg stands
I’m convinced that this is not about getting drunk and more about looking up girl’s skirts. Let’s face it, in order to think this is a good idea in the first place, you have to be kind of inebriated already. And it never ends when you want it to end. It ends before the people holding you drop you on your head. Which leaves us with female undergarments. Not that I have any problem with this, but let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?

Blogging about / making fun of parties attended
Nothing screams “whitey” more than, while at a party, picking out all that’s wrong with it and then going home and blogging about it. Oops.

Got any more? I’m sure I’ve missed something here.

The Five: Johnny Depp

Picking the five best Johnny Depp roles was a daunting task. He’s just so good at what he does, important roles are bound to be left off on a list this small. There were some tough choices made here, but that’s what’s fun about it. So without further ado, the five best Johnny Depp roles. Enjoy.

5. Donnie Brasco (Joe Pistone/Donnie Brasco)
An FBI undercover agent who penetrates the mob? Been there, done that. Played by Johnny Depp? All of a sudden the tired becomes a bit more interesting. And being based on a true story, it almost begs to see how Depp masterfully maneuvers between his real and mob lives. And the chance to see him act alongside Al friggin Pacino? And hold his own? If an actor can steal a scene or two from Pacino (in a mob film nonetheless), it’s deserved of a mention. In a time before the Sopranos, a mob movie with a main focus on people and not the crimes was almost unheard of (though, admittedly, Goodfellas skewered the line pretty nicely seven years prior). Kudos go out to Depp (and Oscar nominated screenwriter Paul Attanasio) for making the Hollywood informant cliché personal.

4. Ed wood (Ed Wood)
I have to admit, I didn’t take too kindly to this film. I thought it went on too long and dragged at times. But this role as the legendary cult director is important for two reasons. The first is that Depp shows off his trademark quirkiness (seen later in such films as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Fear and Loathing). He is so weird, so off the wall in this role that you can’t help but be in awe. You truly believe that Depp is Ed Wood, much like Hunter Thompson, he takes the character and portrays him in a way that is two parts absurd and believable. The second is that this marks the second time he worked with Tim Burton, and after two films (and good performances), made Depp Tim’s go-to-guy. The two have together provided us with some of the most visually and characteristically unique films in recent memory.

3. Blow (George Jung)
As 70’s cocaine kingpin George Jung, Depp tried to put a human face on big time drugs (Scarface this is not). Maybe I’m a horrible person, but despite all of the bad deeds that are portrayed in the film (you know, aside from more or less introducing coke to the US), I ended up feeling bad for him at the end of the film. Depp came off tough yet sentimental. A business-savvy man that cared about those close to him. The character is riveting; I found myself thoroughly enjoying the rollercoaster ride that was his (Hollywoodized) life. Would I have the same reaction knowing the real George Jung? Who knows. But for 2 hours, Johnny Depp gets me to feel bad for a world class drug kingpin. Impressive indeed.

2. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (Hunter S. Thompson)
It’s no secret that Depp and Thompson were good friends while Thompson was alive. So it would be a real shame if Depp botched the role in the film based on Thompson’s most famous book. Fortunately for us, he did such an amazing job that he’s going to be doing it again (the upcoming Rum Diaries). It takes a certain type of personality to fully capture the madness that was Hunter Thompson on screen and Depp gets it done in spades. Whether or not Thompson was as really as off the wall in reality as Depp portrays, but as far as I’m concerned, Depp does not only do the part justice, but helps further cement the legend of Hunter S. Thompson into American literary culture. Bravo.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean (Captain Jack Sparrow)
I envisioned this list to be about roles and not complete films, which is why his role as the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow tops the list, despite Pirates not being the best movie he’s ever been in. Like all great roles, you attach the actor with the part and cannot envision anyone else playing it. Just as Brad Pitt will forever be Tyler Durden, Johnny Depp will be remembered as Jack Sparrow. Say what you want about the films themselves (the first one being the clear best of the series), this was the definition of character acting. Depp brought such humor and wit to the role that one couldn’t help but like him, even though his character was in reality a selfish, self-serving, well, pirate. I wouldn’t go as far as to call him an anti-hero, but he was as close as a hero can get without crossing that threshold. Depp once said in an interview that he would really miss the character of Jack Sparrow once it was all said and done. So will we. Though I can’t say the same about the last two movies.

When coming up with this list, I didn’t realize that so many of his great roles were actually based upon real people. And while the role of Jack Sparrow is iconic, and many of his Burton characters are quirky, I feel that he pours a lot of himself into these “based on a true story” roles. These roles seem to give him the most range: the first gonzo journalist, the leader of a drug cartel, a D-list director. When he gets the chance to dig deep into the psyche of a real person and bring them back to life on the screen, I feel that he’s truly enjoying what he does and it shows. The same goes for the role of Captain jack. When an actor truly throws themselves into a role, as Depp does on a constant basis, they shine. If these roles do nothing more than show how much he loves what he does, that’s good enough for me.