Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Eternal Suck

Now get off my damn lawn

There was one word going constantly through my head during Indy’s big return to the big screen: “Really?” Not really, as in, “Gee whiz! That’s really cool, but more along the lines of “What the hell were they thinking?”

Yes, I know Indiana Jones movies have never really skirted around the edges of realism but this one was just too much. After Iron Man raised the summer bar so high, Indiana Jones just felt like a colossal letdown. This might have been cool 20 years ago, but we’ve seen everything between the last installment and now. But I am willing to let that slide (besides, the motorcycle case was pretty cool). I am also willing to let slide the fact that everyone is acting on auto pilot and that the bad guy isn’t very villainous. But there are some things that I just can’t (Spoilers ahead, you’ve been warned).

The opening scene. Harrison’s acting (and dialogue) during the first 15 minutes was atrocious. Bad to the point where if it didn’t improve fast I would’ve left the theatre. Fortunately, it improved as it went along and he became more comfortable in the role, but one wonders why Spielberg used the take of the opening that he did. Things just got worse once the floating, magnetic gunpowder entered the scene (don’t ask). But that is nothing compared to

THE FUCKING NUCLEAR REFRIGERATOR. While eerie, The scene inside the nuclear testing ground added nothing to the film. It’s the fifties, we get it (you even had a nifty graphic telling us the year!) We tested nukes because of the Cold War. But that gives the film no reason to have him climb into a damn fridge to survive a nuclear blast. And then, after it blows him halfway across the desert, he gets out with nary a scratch on him. It’s like the only way people in these movies get a little roughed up is when they’re punching each other. Fist fight? Bring on the blood! Thrown hundred of feet in a fridge after a nuke goes off? Nothing. Nada. And the same goes for the fucking waterfalls. Why does Spielberg hate gravity?

But on top of everything, the movie just wasn’t Indy. There was one, that’s right, just one scene where I felt like this was actually an Indiana Jones film. It was when he and Mr. LaBeouf were excavating their first tomb together. That had all of the classic elements in it: wit, creepy enemies, a “puzzle.” No other scene had that. One of the best parts about the old Indiana Jones movies were the odd puzzles and how he had escaped rather unique perils inside of the tombs. Here, you just have the norm--rooms collapsing, rising water, etc. Nothing that makes you go “WOW" like getting buried alive or the giant boulders from previous installments. Indy also lost his charm, his quick wit. I blame the script, the original of which was shot down by George Lucas. Why does that man have to ruin everything? I would bet good money that the original draft was a million times better than what ended up on screen. It’s almost like they were trying to make a franchise around

SHIA LaBEOUF. And what the fuck was up with him constantly combing his hair? Oooooh, you’re a big bad tough greaser. We get it. We got it the first time. Put the fucking comb away! Now! And by the time he started swinging on vines with monkeys…well I had completely given up at that point. The rest of it was a big laugh, culminating in a shiny spaceship taking off at the end. Yes, Indy has gone Star Wars (Harrison even said his Han Solo trademark “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” line. Thanks, George!). Actually, come to think of it, I’d rather him put back on the flight vest at this point. On second thought, scratch that. I don’t need Mr. Lucas ruining yet another project. Let’s hope that despite the boatload of money this is going to make, that Mr. Ford hangs up the fedora once and for all and lets Dr. Jones die with whatever dignity he has left.

The Five: Brad Pitt

In an effort to get me to update this more often, I’ve decided to start something I like to call “The Five,” which is a list of an actor’s five best roles. I know what you’re thinking, “not anther fucking top whatever list by some douchebag who thinks he knows more than me!” I couldn’t agree with you more. But, alas, these things get hits, inspire debate and will hopefully get some of you to see a few of these films that you haven’t yet.
So why start with Brad Pitt? Surely, out of all the actors that have ever graced the screen, there is someone better to start off with than the guy screwing Angelina Jolie. Yes, there are better out there, but I feel that Mr. Pitt is fairly underrated as an actor. And besides, I’ve seen a shit-ton of his films so I feel that I am able to comment knowledgably about his skills. So without further ado, I present to you the inaugural installment of The Five.

5. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (Jesse James)
After a string of safe “paycheck” films (the Oceans series, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Troy), it was refreshing to see Mr. Pitt get back to actually acting with roles in Babel and The Assassination of Jesse James. This gets the nod over the former because it was so overlooked. Taking in a paltry four million in US box office receipts (fifteen worldwide), and one could have an argument for why this sat on the shelf for so long. Both are a shame. Pitt brought a quiet intensity to the notorious criminal, making James seem, dare I say it, almost likeable. Credit the script by Andrew Dominik or the scene stealing performance by Casey Affleck, but Brad nails the role of Jesse James, expertly straddling the line between cool and menacing. If you haven’t seen it (don’t lie, you haven’t), you owe it to yourself to do so.

4. Se7en (David Mills)
What’s in the box?” The line that stole the show (well at least the scene) for Mr. Pitt. Detective David Mills was a role that one could probably see another Hollywood “bad boy,” like Colin Farrell, play, but at this point in time, Pitt was big of a draw as the rest of the A-list cast but without overshadowing them. Eventually, due to it’s phenomenal box office performance, Se7en cemented Brad’s place among the Hollywood elite. It may not be his most memorable role, but it’s the one that made him a star.*

* Before everyone starts complaining that Thelma and Louise was his star making, breakout performance, let me explain myself. Thelma is the one that introduced him as the token hottie, soccer mom fantasy material if you will. Se7en was the one that really demonstrated his acting chops for the first time (just look at some of the films that followed, many of which are on this list).

3. Snatch. (Mickey O’Neil)
While not the largest of roles, Brad shines here because of his character's vernacular. Sure, you can’t understand the Irish/gypsy accent half the time (and neither could the characters in the film), but that’s what makes Mickey so memorable. In a film full of quirky characters, this one stands out due to his combination of toughness, humor and that fucking accent of his.

2. Twelve Monkeys (Jeffrey Goines)
Early in his career, Brad seemed to take more challenging roles, and playing Jeffrey Goines, an off the wall asylum inmate, was definitely one of them. His nervous, twitchy acting definitely set him apart from the rather calm and collected Bruce Willis, something that was greatly needed for the narrative to be believable. Brad is hilarious at times, adding a level of downright creepiness to the role. This would have been his crowning performance if t wasn’t for…

1. Fight Club (Tyler Durden)
This is it. Hands down, his best role. I would place good money that he never tops the role of Mr. Tyler Durden. Hell, Brad IS Tyler, whenever I see him in a film I always compare his role to this. He is the alpha male. Cool, collected, provocative, charming (in his twisted way). Tyler is everything that we want to be but are too afraid (or, in some cases, not stupid enough) to be. It was a tough assignment, but he nailed it. And as much credit as he gets for his performance, the same has to be given to Edward Norton. The two compeiment each other perfectly. We see what we are in Norton and what we want to be in Pitt. It’s an iconic role, one that, dare I say it, defines the new age Hollywood alpha male for a lot of men. When he’s long gone, this is the role that Brad Pitt will be remembered for and for good reason.